Zombies Don't Eat Pocky, Ryohei
by widdlewed
Summary: In the Mafia, killing was as common as drugs. Tsuna never understood this - until flesh eating zombies overtook the world. Now Tsuna appreciated the fact that Hibari could cave someone's skull in with his tonfa or Ryohei could punch a head off. It just took the complete damnation of the world for him to accept the charm.
1. Chapter 1

**Oh hey, what's this? A rewrite of that really stupid zombie fic I wrote, like, years ago? Oh wow.**

 **I actually have a plot for this one now so, yeah, let's get this shit going.**

* * *

"DUCK!" Takeshi commanded and Tsuna nearly back-flipped out of the way as Takeshi swung his sword down, Reborn's body a comforting weight on Tsuna's head as the baby shot a bullet through the _thing_ that had been lunging for them.

"Jyuudaime!" Hayato called and grabbed Tsuna by the arm, tugging him out of the way as he used his other hand to shove a stick of dynamite in the creature's mouth and kick it out the shattered window.

BOOOOOOM.

The shattered windows and doors shook with the force of the explosion and Tsuna winced as Takeshi backed up against Tsuna, arms raised in a protective motion.

"That probably caused a lot of attention," Takeshi commented to Hayato with a unnatural scowl on his face. Hayato spat out a swear in his native tongue and rummaged through his shirt for more sticks.

Tsuna just clenched his fists desperately to his chest, wondering when it all went to hell.

 _It had been a normal class period. Nothing strange was happening. The teacher was at the chalkboard, booklet in their face as they copied down notes for the students to take._

 _The intercom came to life in way of a high-pitched shriek. Tsuna, who had been slightly dozing off at his desk, jerked awake and nearly fell out of his chair. Hayato, who had been staring out the window in boredom, lurched into a standing position, his hand pressing against his hidden weapons. Takeshi had stood up in one fluid motion as well, his baseball bat in hand and halfway across the room to stand by Tsuna in a beat._

 _"THEY'VE GOTTEN INTO THE SCHOOL! RUN! RUUUUUN!" The terrified voice screeched over the intercom and it was chaos. Students, alarmed by the sudden announcement, were throwing themselves at each other and the door, the teacher no help as he rushed to the window as if it would answer any questions he had._

 _It did._

 _Takeshi, who had also gone to the window while Hayato and Reborn, who had come from God Know's Where, circled around Tsuna protectively, stilled._

 _"Gokudera," Takeshi spoke in a stiff tone as Tsuna looked wildly around, eyes bouncing from the trembling teacher to his scrambling classmates. "Keep an eye on the door. Reborn, come here." Reborn hopped off the desk, bouncing his way to Takeshi's shoulder._

 _In an instant, a real gun - not Leon - was in his tiny hand as he turned sharp eyes to the remaining students lingering in the classroom._

 _"Get to the roof. Now." The students, shuddering at the authoritative voice this baby gave, didn't second-guess the order before they were rushing out of the classroom. Tsuna stood slowly from his desk, worrying his bottom lip._

 _"What's-what's going on? Sensei?" Tsuna asked, turning his eyes again to his teacher. His teacher slowly reached a hand out, sliding the window open._

 _"Sensei?" Takeshi called._

 _Their teacher threw himself out the three-story window._

 _"SENSEI!" The three students cried as he fell. Hayato grabbed Tsuna, shoving him face-first into his chest as the echoing SPLATCRUNCH sounded in the air._

 _Gasped moans filled the air and Tsuna gave a full-body shudder at the emptiness to the tones._

 _"What's-what's going on?!" Tsuna cried out, gripping tightly to Hayato's shirt as Hayato slowly scooted the two of them closer to the window. Tsuna's face was pressed against Hayato's shirt again._

 _"_ Mio Dio _," Hayato breathed out and Tsuna froze as he felt Hayato's limbs tremble. He could hear Hayato's heart hammering in his chest and the sudden quickening in his breathing._

 _Was he scared?_

 _A broken gasp sounded from the doorway and Takeshi and Hayato turned, Reborn's gun aimed directly at the head of...something._

 _Tsuna forced himself away from Hayato, coming face to face with-_

 _"What…?"_

 _It's flesh was a pasty grey, almost draining to a white color, with red pupil-less eyes. Its irises were a milky white, dried blood crusting along the scalp as it limped awkwardly into the classroom, it's left leg missing a good chunk off near the calf. It's uniform, Namimori, was crumpled and ruined and distantly, Tsuna thought Hibari would be very sour about that._

 _Speaking of Hibari…_

 _A metal tonfa slammed into the thing's head, a wet squishing noise emitting as the thing crumbled at Hibari Kyouya's feet, his tonfa soaked in blood._

 _"Wao," Kyouya's voice was so empty, "how weak. Where are the rest of your herbivore classmates?" His eyes pierced Tsuna's._

 _"I've sent them to the rooftop. It seemed like the safest place at the time considering I don't have much knowledge with...these things," Reborn explained in place of Tsuna._

 _Kyouya narrowed his eyes at the baby before nodding stiffly._

 _"Get to the roof. I will meet you after I claim back Namichuu." With a flutter of his gakuen jacket, he was gone._

 _"Haha! Well, you heard him," Takeshi laughed and hauled Tsuna up over his shoulder, Tsuna letting out a startled squeak. "To the rooftop!" Tsuna hung there, feeling the tremors running through Takeshi's body as Hayato and Reborn moved ahead, peeking out the classroom._

 _The sounds of tonfa smashing into skulls echoed down the hallway, leading away from the rooftop._

 _"Hibari-san," Tsuna whispered in worry, biting his lower lip._

 _"He'll be fine," Reborn spoke, an odd tild in his voice. "A cloud never lingers far from its sky." Tsuna, despite the nightmare this was, snorted._

 _"Ah!" Takeshi dropped Tsuna, pushing him at Hayato as moans reached their ears, closer towards the bathroom._

 _"Welp, guess this is a new game to try," Takeshi laughed and both Hayato and Tsuna pretended it didn't sound wet and weak._

"Let's get going! We just got to reach the end of the hallway to get to the roof," Hayato gruffed, grabbing Tsuna's wrist and tugging him forward. Tsuna nodded, his eyes flashing orange as he picked up the pace, following his two friends.

"Do you think Kyouko-chan and Onii-chan are okay?" Tsuna spoke against the silence, his voice laden with dread.

"Of course. Do not doubt their capability to protect themselves, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn spoke as he tugged on a lock of Tsuna's hair. Tsuna nodded, eyebrows furrowed, as they neared the roof.

"Once we get to the roof, I will send out a message to our allies and see how they are faring," Reborn spoke as they stepped up the stairs, Takeshi's sword posed to strike.

The rooftop door was wide open, blood smearing the metal. Tsuna tensed, his breath hitching as he stumbled back into Hayato, who gripped tightly onto his shoulder.

"I'll go check it out," Reborn stated and hopped over the teens, landing in front of the open doorway. Gun safety off and ready to fire, Reborn peered out at the rooftop.

Bodies littered the floor, those creatures hunched over them like vultures as they picked and tore into the corpses. Reborn crinkled his nose, seeing a female student he had ordered to the roof.

Damn. He had sent them to their deaths.

Reborn pulled the trigger, shooting the three creatures without any effort, watching them fall heavily to the side.

"Are they zombies?" Tsuna asked as Takeshi herded the rest of them onto the roof.

"Sure looks like it," Hayato huffed as he wiped a sweating hand over his pale face. He gave a sigh, digging through his pockets for his cigarettes. Neither Takeshi or Tsuna made a fuss as the teen lit up a stick and sucked greedily into it.

"...this is insane," Tsuna finally whispered as he hunched over, hugging his head as he pressed his elbows onto his bent knees. "What about mom? Haru-chan, Fuuta, Dino-san - everyone? What about the kids?" Tsuna's voice was slowly growing more high-pitched as hysteria and panic settled in, Hayato grimacing as he thought of his own loved ones, Takeshi doing the same.

"My dad's pretty awesome when it comes to a sword," Takeshi laughed loudly, sounding like he was trying to comfort someone. Maybe himself. "If I can take care of myself, then he will have no problem."

"Hah. My sister and that perverted doctor know how to survive," Hayato puffed out, eyes half-lidding as his bundle of nerves slowly unwound from the nicotine. "And if those brats can deal with the Mafia, they can handle a few weak zombies. They'll be able to protect your mama, no doubt." Tsuna flashed an appreciative smile as Reborn raised a hand, a beatle flying over to his outstretched fingers.

"Hm," Reborn hummed as he leaned his head over towards the bug, "it seems Dino has found shelter and currently has Mama and the kids with him. He's been unable to get into contact with anyone else right now but that's normal. I don't think these things are only in Namimori, or even Japan. They'll most likely be all over the world."

"All over the world…?" Tsuna whispered, eyes wide. He hung his head in his arms again. "Oh god."

"For now, let's try to find the rest of your Guardians and meet up with Dino and the others. Once we've got everyone, we'll make a plan on how to get in touch with everyone else back in Italy," Reborn spoke and turned sharply as the sound of scraping metal.

A zombie lingered at the open doorway, holding a metal pipe loosely in its grip as it stared blankly at the four. It once had been a Disciplinary Committee member, but judging from the large chunk missing from it's neck, the former student had sacrificed himself.

Hayato dropped his cigarette, snubbing it on the blood-stained tiles as he gave a huff. His eyes fell on the metal pipe barely in the creature's hold and raised single eyebrow before he flashed his eyes down to Tsuna, who was also staring at the metal pipe.

"Thanks buddy," Takeshi laughed as he jumped from behind Hayato, slashing the creature's head clean off, "we needed something for Tsuna!"

"Of all the days to leave your pills and mittens at home," Reborn hissed darkly from Tsuna's head as he came to rest on the brown locks. Tsuna flinched guiltily. Hayato kicked the body a way, grabbing the dropped pipe.

"Here you are, Jyuudaime. Until we can get you something more effective, use this. Of course, Baseball-Idiot and I will be with you so you really won't have to use it unless absolutely necessary," Hayato spoke because he'd be damned if he let his precious boss dirty his hands on undead beasts.

"Thanks," Tsuna spoke slowly, staring dumbly at the bloody metal pipe in his hands. He breathed loudly through his nose, holding it for a second, before letting it out. His body trembled and his fingers barely clenched onto the weapon properly. His heartbeat screamed in his ears and he could barely make out anything going on around him as tingles started to go up his legs and arms, numbing him.

This was real. This was real. This was real. This was real.

Tsuna's stomach curled, lurched, and he was hunching over to spill his stomach's contents out. Hayato rubbed a hand up and down his back, making comforting noises as Takeshi walked towards the roof fence, staring down.

"We don't have time to waste," Reborn spoke and they really didn't. Tsun sniffled, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, and nodded reluctantly. Reborn felt swell of pride for his student at that moment. If this was happening right when Reborn had first come to Namimori, he didn't think his student would still be alive.

No, he'd probably be a blubbering mess, unable to even walk with a puddle of urine under him. Now though, after everything his student had been through, he was reluctant, scared (but that was a normal human reaction), but still ready to continue on. Reborn casted a glance at the two Guardians before nodding firmly to himself.

They'd survive. They would.


	2. Commercials Lie

FlickeringLights on AO3 unknowingly challenged me. Their review, _"For an anime that makes the Mafia sound like a cracktastic wild ride, **"Bite to Death"** has unfortunately been the only humorous Zombie!AU I've read in this fandom. So, yes, go forth and write the funniest zombie!AU you can imagine! All my blessings, five billion kudos and all the pocky Ryouhei can bait zombies with!"_ made me wanna make this complete crack.

So if you were expecting a serious Zombie AU, sorry. I've decided to roll down the horrible, not-funny-to-anyone-but-me path.

Enjoy.

* * *

"We should find Onii-san and Kyouko-chan," Tsuna commented, turning away from the corpses littering the ground.

"Good idea Tsuna," Takeshi laughed, swinging his baseball bat up to bounce off his shoulder. "Let's go." Takeshi stepped over a severed head, humming under his breath as Hayato gave him a disgusted look.

"Jyuudaime," Hayato called as he followed after the two, Reborn hopping onto Hayato's shoulder as Takeshi led them down the stairs again. "I really don't think it's a good idea. To leave the roof, I mean. It's a good idea to find the turf-top and his sister - not abandon them and-"

"Gokudera-kun," Tsuna turned to Hayato. "Shut up. I get it." Takeshi cut down a zombie that lunged at them, Hayato tugging Tsuna back by the collar to avoid blood splatters. "Let's just find Onii-san and Kyouko-chan and get the heckie outta here."

Hayato and Takeshi stopped, both of them turning to Tsuna with raised eyebrows. Tsuna blinked back at them.

"Did you...did you just say _heckie_?" Takeshi asked, his lips twitching into a smile. Tsuna's cheeks reddened and Hayato turned his head away to cough into his fist, his own lips pulled into a wide smile.

"Shut up! Come on, this is no time to make fun of me!" Takeshi sombered at Tsuna's words, turning back to face the front. They continued on, passing by their classroom. Tsuna peeked in, seeing it empty.

"Should we try to find survivors?" Tsuna asked as he waddled to catch up with Hayato and Takeshi, Reborn's sharp eyes tracing the hallways for any twitching bodies.

"Rule One of Horror Movies: Never look for survivors. They end up leading you to your death," Hayato intoned from behind Tsuna, pulling out a pocket-sized notepad. "Rule Two: Never split up. That's just fucking stupid. Rule Three: All mildly attractive females will be used as lures to sexually appeal those who find gore to not be their thing. They also will never have a decent badass scene. What's-so-ever."

"What are you reading and where did you get these rules?" Tsuna asked as Takeshi laughed, the sound bouncing uncomfortably down the eerily silent hallway. Blood smeared the walls and the ground was littered with corpses.

No doubt a certain Skylark had already been through.

"Internet and Tumblr," Hayato answered. Tsuna squeaked as a zombie threw itself out of a classroom, its mouth wide open to chomp down on Tsuna's arm.

"Fuck no!" Tsuna shrieked and smashed the metal pipe into the zombie's head. It went down with a slump.

The four just stared for a moment before Takeshi turned an impressed expression to Tsuna.

"I have the power," Tsuna whispered lowly to himself and Takeshi's impressed look crumbled into a mildly concerned one.

"ANATA MO WATASHI MO POCKY TO THE EXTREME!"

BOOOOM!

The school building shook, Tsuna falling into Takeshi's side as the very foundation nearly crumbled from the impact. Tsuna looked out one of the shattered windows, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Was...was that Onii-san?" Tsuna asked, turning to his friends.

"Sure sounded like that loud-mouth," Hayato gruffed and peered out the window. He spotted a flash of white and blinked at the sight of Ryohei running from a horde of zombies, Kyouko and Hana thrown over his shoulders and gripping onto his uniform shirt for dear life as he continued to scream the same phrase over and over again.

"Ah, they're alive," Tsuna breathed out as Reborn mentally face-palmed as he watched the boxer use one fist to punch a few zombies into the air a good few yards. "Should we go down to them?"

"TSUNA!" Kyouko, who had twisted her body around to look in front of them, screamed at the sight of her friends in the window.

"Guess that's a yes," Tsuna mumbled and slid the door open, peering down at the three stories he'd fall.

"Tsuna," Takeshi's voice was slightly strained. "No."

"Don't you dare," Hayato hissed as he round-house kicked a zombie away from them, a bullet burying into its temple before its back could hit the ground. "Jyuudaime, _no_."

"Gotta blast!" Tsuna waved and threw himself out of the window, Hayato's strangled cry making Ryohei jerk his head up to see Tsuna free-falling towards them.

A blur of black and Tsuna was sent tumbling, arms wrapped around his waist and shoulders as a heavy weight settled on top of him. Tsuna wheezed as the weight lifted, Tsuna cracking his eye open to see a black pompadour bobbing in his face.

"Sawada-kun, suicide is not the answer," Kusukabe gasped, pulling Tsuna up from the ground just as the dramatic piano keys of Kyouya's theme sound drifted into the clearing.

"I'll bite you to death," Kyouya's growl echoed and Tsuna blinked as he came in as a flurry of black and flashing metal, corpses lying at his feet as Ryohei settled Kyouko and Hana onto the ground. All of them were unable to look away from him as Kyouya literally slaughtered the former students.

"Look at him go," Kusakabe spoke as he wiped a stray tear from his eye. "He looks so majestic, slaughtering all those zombies." Tsuna just stared as Reborn popped out of a hidden doorway from the wall, Hayato and Takeshi following with dazed looks on their faces. "This is the only time Kyou-san can kill people without the risk of being arrested."

"Wait, why do you make it sound like he's murdered before?" Tsuna asked. Everyone ignored him in favor of turning to Ryohei, who was rummaging through his pockets.

"EXTREME! HIBARI USE THE POCKY! ZOMBIES LIKE POCKY!" Ryohei threw the box of pocky at Kyouya, who smacked it away with his tonfa. It bounced off the head of a moaning zombie.

"Zombies don't eat pocky, Ryohei! They eat people! We're people! They eat us! Not everything you see on TV is real, dumbass!" Hana, completely fed up with Ryohei's antics and covered in blood of her fallen classmates, was having none of his shit.

"Onii-chan, we talked about this," Kyouko sighed loudly. "That commercial was fake."

Kyouya caved another head in. Tsuna looked up at the sunny sky, it's bright colors and warm sunshine mocking them.


End file.
